Left Behind

Have you ever had the feeling that you are running as fast as you can, but you can't seem to catch up to "it," whatever "it" is? Many times you feel like you are almost there, but you still fall short? As I was trying to distinguish my feelings over the past couple of months, (and possibly my entire life) I came to the conclusion that no matter what I do, I can't catch up or pull ahead.

Examples:

I cannot sleep in. I have never really been able to sleep in. Even as a teenager, when my sisters were sleeping until noon on Saturday, I would be up by 8:00. My conclusion is that I am always fearful of what I might miss out on. Someone going somewhere that I want to go. Some task that could have been completed in that hour I decided to sleep. Not being able to have those few minutes of reading my favorite book because I slept too long. I know it is crazy. But now I know why sleeping in is so difficult for me. I am afraid of being left behind.

When I was making a decision about what to do for college, where I would go, I had a difficult time of it. All along I thought BYU was the perfect fit for me, so that was ALWAYS where I was going to go. I got accepted to BYU and Ricks, but I was still so sure that I would go to BYU. The month before school started I made the decision to go to Ricks instead. That was one of the hardest decisions I ever made because I was going to be away from family. But I knew that was where I needed to be. In a sense, I would be left behind, forgotten. (So far away! Really pathetic, I know!)

These feelings of being left behind have occured throughout adulthood. When I was longing to get married and I turned 20, 21, 22 and still didn't even go on many dates, I felt left behind. Everyone was getting married, but what about me? Even sister number 3 was getting married before me. Once again, left behind.

Then I really did get married and didn't feel like I was trying to catch up. I briefly felt like I was in line with everyone else (whoever "everyone else" is.) Quickly after getting married I had those feelings of running and trying to catch up with having kids. No luck there either. Like I said, doomed to always trying to catch up.

Then Kevin died and the feeling of being left behind took a while to come back, but it is back, and with a vengence. I guess because Kevin is gone, and so many things that I was to do and be were with him. Maybe I feel that in some way, he was going to help me catch up and make it.

Well, the cycle continues today. Professionally, spiritually, physically, personally. Always running as fast as I can, but never being able to "catch up." I guess it is my lot in life, something that I am going to need to try to overcome. I know that a big part of the problem is that I am always comparing myself to other people that seem to have the perfect life. I know that no one's life is perfect, but for some reason, right now, I have a sense of dread that I really am being left behind. It is really fear, fear of what lies ahead. But maybe, each day, I can take a small step towards changing those feelings.

This sounds so depressing, but it has really been a turning point. Now I can make a change for the better, set some goals, improve myself, and get out of this feeling of being left behind and trying to catch up. Because I will never be able to catch up with everyone else. Maybe I can be content with where I am at in life and enjoy the ride (or run)!

Painting + Tera = DISASTER!

So my siblings and I thought it would be nice to help out mom and dad and paint their basement. It has been 10+ years since it has been done. I have been telling mom I would take care of it over the Christmas Break. I told her she wouldn't have to do a thing. Well, that isn't quite how it turned out.

8:30 Clean up basement, wipe down walls--no problems

10:30 Pick out paint. It took forever to decide, no problems then, but don't worry, there were future problems.

12:45 Eat some lunch. Kim and kids come.

1:30 Begin the painting process. No problems. Kids were good. Painting was going well.

5:00 TIRED. Kim leaves. The problems really begin.

Mom is helping the entire time. That was not supposed to happen. Before Kim leaves we all have a discussion about the paint color. No one is SURE about it. But people, it is too late! (I try to tell them!) Worried about it being monotone. After all this work, it better be worth it!

5:30 Tape baseboards and light fixtures. Total pain! Painting would be so much easier if you didn't have to tape! Oh, and ceilings. Why didn't anyone warn me about ceilings?!

6:00 Keegan comes home and makes a comment about the paint color. I get a little upset. Mom gets frustrated with me. I get frustrated with EVERYONE else! Crying and angry.

6:15 Dad comes home. Kelsi stops by. Everyone decides the paint color is fine. I get back to work and spill half a gallon of white paint on the carpet.

6:20 Spend 30 minutes cleaning up paint!

6:50 Apply 2nd gallon of white paint (dad had to go back to the store) to ceiling.

7:15 Paint splattering everywhere. I am a mess. Ready for a shower, but I am not stopping until this project is finished.

8:00 Standing on bar stool painting around light fixture on ceiling. Decide to put one foot on stool, one foot on couch. Said couch is not stable enough. I fall, with a cup of paint and a paintbrush in my hand. Paint everywhere, broken bar stool from my behind breaking my fall on the bar stool. Land flat on my back. Bruised leg, bruised behind, bruised back, bruised pride. What fun! Spend another 30 minutes cleaning up mess.

9:00 Finally painting the color on the walls. (We only experimented with the color earlier.)

3:00 (AM mind you!) Finish the first coat of color. Decide I can't handle anymore and clean up what we can. So tired!

4:00 Go to bed.

The second coat went on without a hitch, minus having to go back to the store for another gallon of paint.

*So next time I tell you I "want" to paint, please, TELL ME NOT TO!

**The paint looks great. It is so nice to have it finished, but I still don't ever want to paint again!

***That's how I spent the first two days of my break!

Merry Christmas

I received a CD from the Peoria Jeffs that I had never heard before. I was driving down the road, and when this song came on I thought how perfectly the lyrics to this song described Christmas for me the past 2 years. (There were probably tears involved as well!)

Broken Hearts Like Mine

(Cherie Call)

It was right around this time of year, not too long ago
That was when I heard the news that he wasn’t coming home
Now there’s just something about this holiday that just tears me up inside
But Jesus was born, and He lived, and He died for broken hearts like mine

I see the gifts and the Christmas trees, and I don’t think these things are wrong
I just don’t want to break down under all these lights, so I still can’t sing the songs
Because the melodies turn to memories, and the only peace on earth I find
Is knowing Jesus was born, and He lived, and He died for broken hearts like mine

I can feel the tenderness of friends who care
I can see the children playing everywhere
I just try to fade into the scenery
‘Cause everyone is meant to be Christmasing
I am not homeless or alone or poor
Sometimes I’m content to be ignored
But that doesn’t mean that I don’t believe
Believing is what saves me in times like these

Jesus was born in a stable, so He must know how it can be
Sometimes I feel like this holiday doesn’t have a place for me
But when it’s all I can do just to make it through this bittersweet Christmastime
I remember Jesus was born and He lived and He died
For broken hearts like mine

I’ll be singing once again, I just need a little time
I’m thankful that Jesus was born, and He lived, and He died for broken hearts like mine

(I hope it is okay that I put these lyrics on here. This is by Cherie Call and it is called "Broken Hearts Like Mine.")

My Gratitude List Continues

Well, I guess I missed a few days. This is the first second I have had to sit down and post since Friday. Here is the latest installment of my gratitude list.

I am so grateful for the weekends. It seems I never have time to do what I want to do, but I always use my Saturdays and Sundays to the fullest. I love Saturday because there is nothing I HAVE to do, although there are always many things I want to do. And then there are Sundays. Those are my favorite days. They truly are my rest days.

I love food. I am so grateful we get to eat. I wish I could cook more. There just isn't the time there that I can dedicate to making a scrumptuous meal each day. Someday I will be able to spend the time I want to on making yummy food. Until the, well, I will just have to enjoy other people's hard work!

I am thankful for an education. I think many times I take it for granted that I was able to receive my bachelors degree. It has been a blessing in my life. I love to learn. It has been fun teaching a different grade, because now I am learning new things. I would love to take a class on a topic that interests me and just enjoy...maybe dance or photography or cooking.

Provo High School Graduation 1998

My Gratitude List Continues

Only one picture today...but it has the temple and lights!

I am so blessed to have the gospel in my life. I often wonder what life would be like if I didn't have the gospel. It scares me to think of my life without it. I am so grateful for a testimony of the gospel. I know with all of my heart that I have a Savior who lived and died for me. I am so grateful that he knows everything I experience. I know I have a Father in heaven who is watching over me and loves me. Life would be a struggle if I didn't have the scriptures to guide my decisions. The gospel truly is my life. Life would have no purpose or meaning without this truth. I have no idea how I would make it without this firm testimony. I love the temple and know it is the only place where families can be sealed forever. It is the only place I can go to truly feel serenity. I don't go often enough, especially with 5 temples only minutes from my house. I love the temple. To be able to get away from the craziness of life is truly a blessing. (I could go on, but my words often fall short in expressing my true feelings.)

Today, I am really grateful for a job. There are so many people that don't have a job, and everyday I am so thankful to have something to keep me going each day. What would I do with myself if I didn't get to teach school everyday? I can pay my bills and provide food and shelter for myself. Things are never ideal in the workplace, but I count myself lucky to be able to work with the people I do. And my 6th graders make me laugh everyday. I really do have a fabulous job!

I am thankful for hot and cold running water and electricity. In the past year or so I have had problems with hot running water. The pilot light on my water heater kept going out. I figured out how to light it myself (big accomplishment), but what a pain to have to light it every time it was windy. That is everyday in Lehi. I am blessed with a very caring dad, and he got that taken care of for me. I was also home one evening and the power kept flickering. Not only was it scary to be in my house all alone and not have light for some of the night, but it was so annoying. What a blessing to live now when we have so many wonderful modern conveniences.

My Gratitude List

You know me and lists. Every so often (just like journal writing) I start a list of things I am grateful for, just so I can go back and read it later and remember those wonderful things. For the past couple of days I have been feeling very grateful for many things. I have never been good with words, and expressing my gratitude is not always easy, but I have really been overwhelmed with gratitude. So, each day until Thanksgiving, (and maybe even longer), I am going to share the things I am grateful for.

I am grateful for Kevin. I am grateful that he is not longer suffering. I know he is doing a great work in heaven. Him and his life play a major role in my life. I can't think of a more eloquent way to say it. I miss him so much, it is painful. But time has done some healing. I am learning that everything is in the Lord's time, and He is aware of me and my needs. I need to learn some life lessons on my own, without the wonderful support of my sweetheart.

I am grateful that the seasons change. I go crazy when there isn't any change in my life. Usually I resort to changing the desks around in my classroom. (Which, by the way, I did about 20 times last year. No joke!) I don't even mind the cold and snow. In every season there is something to be grateful for. Along that same note, I am grateful for a garage. It keeps my car cool in the summer and warm in the winter. I can fit 2 cars in it. I am sure many of you cannot say that about your garage!

I am grateful for family. Whenever I think of the family unit, I feel such peace. I know that families are of God. Without eternal families, the plan of happiness would be frustrated. I am so blessed to have an amazing family. They are always there, they are the ones I rely on, and I hope they can rely on me. We have such a great time when we are together, and we have so many happy memories. I am grateful for the eternal family I started with Kevin. Even though we are separated here, I know we will be together again someday. Because I married Kevin, I now have amazing in-laws. I am grateful for them and the role they play in my life. Even though I don't get to see them often, I think about them and pray for them. I hope I can continue that relationship with them. (Jeffs' family...I have no great pictures of the group. Can anyone help me?)


Until tomorrow my friends...

All on a Tueday

Quite frequently I need a little reminder that someone is watching over me. I was pleasantly surprised with a few tender mercies of the Lord on a Tuesday.

For the past 2 weeks, I have been waiting for some results on a medical test a loved one had. I know you probably think it is no big deal, but all of the terrible memories of many medical test results through all the cancer stuff with Kevin weighed heavily on my mind. So all of the anxiety came rushing back as I waited and waited for a phone call to find out the results. On Tuesday I heard that everything is fine. First tender mercy.

Tuesday I decide to stop and get a few groceries. I had debated my entire drive to Lehi about where to stop. I guess I made the wrong choice. I almost died. Okay, not really. But I was inches away from hitting another car. It would not have been my fault. Totally not my fault. The worst is the reaction of those in the other car. Here I am, they are in the wrong, and they are giving me the crusty looks! But, me being saved and my car being saved, another tender mercy.

The last one, but the most pathetic one, was losing my phone. (Or so I thought.) After my close call with death, I get to Walmart. I am shaking and trying to remember why I came to this store. Without thinking, I get out of the car and get my groceries. Much to my chagrin (do you like that word? Did I use it in the right context?), when I reach my car and check my purse, I can't find my phone. I review all the places I have been with my phone. Duh, the only place would have been the car. I had just finished up a conversation with my sister--not while I was driving! So I know I hadn't left it at school. I say a little prayer, pleading for some guidance as to where to even look. I even start praying that someone, anyone, will call. Then I remember it was in my lap before the almost crash. Maybe it fell out of the car when I went into the store. So I check all around my car. No phone. Customer service? Maybe someone found my phone and turned it in? Nope! I can't get it out of my head, so now I am crying and praying and driving and repeating. All the way home I am going a little crazy. I finally reach my house. Throughout my drive I think it probably flew forward. But I had checked the whole dang car! I finally reach home and find the stupid phone stuck on the rug under my gas and brake pedal! Of all the places?! So logical, yet not really.

I need these little reminders that someone else really is in charge and is blessing me! Even if they are little things, they are big things to me. Heavenly Father knows that they are big things, and He always blesses me.