Have you ever had the feeling that you are running as fast as you can, but you can't seem to catch up to "it," whatever "it" is? Many times you feel like you are almost there, but you still fall short? As I was trying to distinguish my feelings over the past couple of months, (and possibly my entire life) I came to the conclusion that no matter what I do, I can't catch up or pull ahead.
Examples:
I cannot sleep in. I have never really been able to sleep in. Even as a teenager, when my sisters were sleeping until noon on Saturday, I would be up by 8:00. My conclusion is that I am always fearful of what I might miss out on. Someone going somewhere that I want to go. Some task that could have been completed in that hour I decided to sleep. Not being able to have those few minutes of reading my favorite book because I slept too long. I know it is crazy. But now I know why sleeping in is so difficult for me. I am afraid of being left behind.
When I was making a decision about what to do for college, where I would go, I had a difficult time of it. All along I thought BYU was the perfect fit for me, so that was ALWAYS where I was going to go. I got accepted to BYU and Ricks, but I was still so sure that I would go to BYU. The month before school started I made the decision to go to Ricks instead. That was one of the hardest decisions I ever made because I was going to be away from family. But I knew that was where I needed to be. In a sense, I would be left behind, forgotten. (So far away! Really pathetic, I know!)
These feelings of being left behind have occured throughout adulthood. When I was longing to get married and I turned 20, 21, 22 and still didn't even go on many dates, I felt left behind. Everyone was getting married, but what about me? Even sister number 3 was getting married before me. Once again, left behind.
Then I really did get married and didn't feel like I was trying to catch up. I briefly felt like I was in line with everyone else (whoever "everyone else" is.) Quickly after getting married I had those feelings of running and trying to catch up with having kids. No luck there either. Like I said, doomed to always trying to catch up.
Then Kevin died and the feeling of being left behind took a while to come back, but it is back, and with a vengence. I guess because Kevin is gone, and so many things that I was to do and be were with him. Maybe I feel that in some way, he was going to help me catch up and make it.
Well, the cycle continues today. Professionally, spiritually, physically, personally. Always running as fast as I can, but never being able to "catch up." I guess it is my lot in life, something that I am going to need to try to overcome. I know that a big part of the problem is that I am always comparing myself to other people that seem to have the perfect life. I know that no one's life is perfect, but for some reason, right now, I have a sense of dread that I really am being left behind. It is really fear, fear of what lies ahead. But maybe, each day, I can take a small step towards changing those feelings.
This sounds so depressing, but it has really been a turning point. Now I can make a change for the better, set some goals, improve myself, and get out of this feeling of being left behind and trying to catch up. Because I will never be able to catch up with everyone else. Maybe I can be content with where I am at in life and enjoy the ride (or run)!
