Family

Love them! And we ALL got to be together this weekend. Not enough time, but at least we got to eat, visit, and play. There is just something about being with all of my family. It makes me so happy.

Today...

I need a hug from Kevin.

Just because

it's been one of those days...

I can't stop crying and I don't know why.
I should be more grateful for what I have, but all I can focus on is what I can't have.
I know there are people all around me that care, but I feel so alone.
I feel guilty, and tired, and overwhelmed, and hungry, and anxious, and lost.

There's a hole in my heart that I am still trying to get used to, and I was very aware of that today.

One of THOSE days!

I CAN'T WAIT...

About this picture:
I have no idea when this photo was taken, but I LOVE IT!
(Mostly because Kevin is in it and it was taken during my favorite time of year.)

Okay, okay, I can't wait...for FALL!

Everything about this time of year makes me happy. Okay, ALMOST everything! I don't so much love Halloween.

I love the homemade peach shake I enjoyed last night, the fresh corn, and the home grown tomatoes from my plants!

I sat on my swing this evening, cringing at my dead lawn, but enjoying the cooler temperatures. Fall is not too hot, and not too cold.

The vibrant colors of leaves in the fall make me happy.

I love looking forward to "soup season."

I anticipate the holidays, just around the corner.

My birthday is in the Fall, so of course I love this time of year!

My wardrobe doesn't seem so bland, because now I have so many "new" things to wear. Welcome back jackets and sweaters!

No more mowing the lawn. (I know I have another month or so of that hard, physical labor.)

I enjoy change, so I am loving a new season.

In case you couldn't tell, if you ask my opinion, Fall is the best season of the year.

6 Year Anniversary

Here's to the perfect, most memorable day of my whole life (6 years ago). And to the person who made it so wonderful...

Sending lots of love to Kevin today and always!

Ready for School?

Are you ready for school to start?

I heard this question a lot the last 2 weeks. Well, ready or not, the kids came on Wednesday and I am EXHAUSTED! When I was asked this question, I really thought I was ready, and I told people that. But now that I am in the thick of school, I have changed my mind.

What was ready?

As you can see, my room was ready. And, at Back-to-School night, many of the kids were so excited. So the room and the kids were ready!

Why wasn't I ready?

Now summer is OVER! I want it back. I like having the summer off and not having to work. I like having a break from planning lessons. I like the sleeping in. (8:00 is way better than 5:45!)

Now I am teaching a new grade level. I am ready for that, I guess. The kids are great, but I wasn't anticipating my first year of teaching all over again! Late nights. No time for myself. Learning (really, I feel like I am learning right along with the kids) a new curriculum. Not that the learning part is bad, it is just more than I thought it would be.

This post is sounding awfully negative! I really do enjoy teaching. And I love getting to know a whole new group of kids. They really are a great bunch and make it all worth it!

But the truth is, I guess I am not quite as ready as I thought I was.

Bring on the Rain

My attempt at "artistic." What do you think?

Sitting here listening to the thunder crashing and the pattering of raindrops, I thought of a song by Jo Dee Messina. (Yes, I do enjoy country music.) I thought I would look up the lyrics because I couldn't remember them, but after I read them just now, I thought how much life is like the song says...

It's almost like the hard times circle 'round
A couple drops and they all start coming down
Yeah, I might feel defeated,
I might hang my head
I might be barely breathing - but I'm not dead

Tomorrow's another day
And I'm thirsty anyway

So bring on the rain.

Then I started thinking about how each day I feel a little like this. One thing leads to another and then my day that started out okay, turns into something almost unbearable. There is no question that each trial feels like the rain. I do often feel defeated and hang my head. And oh, how I long for that tomorrow. And each time I make it through...maybe even a little stronger than I was before...I am sure grateful for the chance to start fresh.

Even though I am not sure I wanted the rain, in the end it was a good thing.

Thank goodness for tomorrows, so bring on the rain!

You can listen to the entire song here.

One Year

Dearest Kevin,

One year. One year without you by my side. So I sit here early in the morning, thinking about the year that has passed and all that has transpired since you left. If I dwell on those thoughts too long, I go crazy. I have gotten into the habit of writing you letters on special days. Days that I like to remember our time together. Our anniversary, birthdays, holidays, etc. I would love it if you could really read them. It has helped me face emotions and get through those terribly difficult days. So here is my letter to you...after one year of missing you.

I was a little worried about this week, but lucky for me, mom told me last week that she was headed to Monticello and I told her I was coming. So on Monday, Mom, Kim, the kids and I loaded up the car and left for that wonderful place. Remember how we went there after we found out you had cancer again? You know, the place where nothing bad can happen? It is still a place of peace. It was a good opportunity to be with family and just feel. I had a few conversations about you. Grandpa is doing well and grandma takes such good care of him. It was hard though because it reminded me so much of me taking care of you. Then I started wondering if I was as loving as grandma. I hope you know that everything I did those last 6 months was out of love, pure love, and concern for you. And some concern for myself. I guess I was a little selfish. I wanted you to be here as long as possible.

I hope you know I think about you all the time. I am trying to move forward, not on. Because moving on makes it sound like I am forgetting about you. But I am not ever going to forget you. You know that, right? Sometimes I think people wonder if I really feel emotion about losing you. I put up a good front most of the time. I am getting pretty good at it. And, as much as I hate to admit it, more time goes by between those really bad days. I don't cry every minute or hour. But I want you to know, I do grieve. I just grieve by myself most of the time. I often grieve when I kneel down by my bed at night and you aren't there. I just cry and talk to Heavenly Father. He makes things better. Each day that I am alone, with no one else around and I have nothing to do, it is hard. During those times I think about you and what we might have done if you hadn't had to leave me. Maybe we would have played a game or made a treat. We might have gone on a walk together or cuddled up in blankets and read books. And I cry some more. Every time I sit down to plan a lesson for Sunday School or have a question and need someone to bounce ideas off of or clarify ideas for me, I think of you and the gospel knowledge you had. I realize you aren't there to help me. I have to do it by myself. Every time I go to family dinners and everyone else has their "special someone" with them and I don't, I am once again reminded of how much I miss you! When I walk by your picture, or play a game, or visit someone at the hospital or go on a road trip, I remember. I remember you and how much I miss you and love you.

I also thought about all that you taught me and all that I have learned this year. I learned that you are one of the most patient people I have ever known. Looking back, you were suffering. Nothing about your life was easy during those last few months. But you tried to keep a smile on your face and keep living. Thanks for doing that for me. You also taught me about optimism. With optimism, you can make it through anything. So I am trying very hard to be that optimistic person that can make it through anything. You took such good care of me and loved me so much! I once again have been reminded that families are forever and how grateful I am that we have eternity. I have learned to have a little more faith and hope. I don't worry so much and I am trying to look forward to the future...wishing so much that you were here to face the future with me. But you are here, aren't you? So this day, a year later, is a day of emotion. A day of trying to feel you close. A day of remembering.

I want you to know that I am working so hard at becoming the person I need to be so that I can be with you again. I want to be the person you want to spend eternity with! Keep watching over me and loving me.

Until we meet again, my love.

Love,
Me