One Year

Dearest Kevin,

One year. One year without you by my side. So I sit here early in the morning, thinking about the year that has passed and all that has transpired since you left. If I dwell on those thoughts too long, I go crazy. I have gotten into the habit of writing you letters on special days. Days that I like to remember our time together. Our anniversary, birthdays, holidays, etc. I would love it if you could really read them. It has helped me face emotions and get through those terribly difficult days. So here is my letter to you...after one year of missing you.

I was a little worried about this week, but lucky for me, mom told me last week that she was headed to Monticello and I told her I was coming. So on Monday, Mom, Kim, the kids and I loaded up the car and left for that wonderful place. Remember how we went there after we found out you had cancer again? You know, the place where nothing bad can happen? It is still a place of peace. It was a good opportunity to be with family and just feel. I had a few conversations about you. Grandpa is doing well and grandma takes such good care of him. It was hard though because it reminded me so much of me taking care of you. Then I started wondering if I was as loving as grandma. I hope you know that everything I did those last 6 months was out of love, pure love, and concern for you. And some concern for myself. I guess I was a little selfish. I wanted you to be here as long as possible.

I hope you know I think about you all the time. I am trying to move forward, not on. Because moving on makes it sound like I am forgetting about you. But I am not ever going to forget you. You know that, right? Sometimes I think people wonder if I really feel emotion about losing you. I put up a good front most of the time. I am getting pretty good at it. And, as much as I hate to admit it, more time goes by between those really bad days. I don't cry every minute or hour. But I want you to know, I do grieve. I just grieve by myself most of the time. I often grieve when I kneel down by my bed at night and you aren't there. I just cry and talk to Heavenly Father. He makes things better. Each day that I am alone, with no one else around and I have nothing to do, it is hard. During those times I think about you and what we might have done if you hadn't had to leave me. Maybe we would have played a game or made a treat. We might have gone on a walk together or cuddled up in blankets and read books. And I cry some more. Every time I sit down to plan a lesson for Sunday School or have a question and need someone to bounce ideas off of or clarify ideas for me, I think of you and the gospel knowledge you had. I realize you aren't there to help me. I have to do it by myself. Every time I go to family dinners and everyone else has their "special someone" with them and I don't, I am once again reminded of how much I miss you! When I walk by your picture, or play a game, or visit someone at the hospital or go on a road trip, I remember. I remember you and how much I miss you and love you.

I also thought about all that you taught me and all that I have learned this year. I learned that you are one of the most patient people I have ever known. Looking back, you were suffering. Nothing about your life was easy during those last few months. But you tried to keep a smile on your face and keep living. Thanks for doing that for me. You also taught me about optimism. With optimism, you can make it through anything. So I am trying very hard to be that optimistic person that can make it through anything. You took such good care of me and loved me so much! I once again have been reminded that families are forever and how grateful I am that we have eternity. I have learned to have a little more faith and hope. I don't worry so much and I am trying to look forward to the future...wishing so much that you were here to face the future with me. But you are here, aren't you? So this day, a year later, is a day of emotion. A day of trying to feel you close. A day of remembering.

I want you to know that I am working so hard at becoming the person I need to be so that I can be with you again. I want to be the person you want to spend eternity with! Keep watching over me and loving me.

Until we meet again, my love.

Love,
Me