The other night I was driving my sister home from a nice evening of no worries, when I had a bit of a panic attack. Lucky Kim, she always seems to be the one around when I do have these panic attacks. It was peaceful driving, and the moon was just gorgeous coming over the mountain. I started to think...think about all my memories of Kevin. I do that a lot. I see something and it sparks a small memory. Most of the time I feel like I only remember bits and pieces of the memory--almost the memory, but not quite. Anyway, in my mind I thought about other nights, possibly like this one when the moon was so full and beautiful. Did I have a memory with Kevin of watching the moon come up in the evening sky? Had I FORGOTTEN about one of those days? It all came out as Kim quietly listened. Will I forget everything Kevin and I did together? I often think that. What else have I already forgotten?
Do I remember how it felt to hold his hand?
What was it like taking a walk with him?
What did we do last year on this day?
What was Kevin's favorite thing to do?
Think about?
Eat?
I don't want to forget. I want to remember everything! Only problem is, neither Kevin or I have ever been good about recording things in a journal. So now I don't even have that. AND I am terrible at trying to recall memories and making a great story out of it. Some people are so good at that. My stories about life just fizzle at the end. Kim calmed me. She said, just write things down as you remember them--whether it is at school, driving, at home, whenever. Just write them down. Also, look at pictures. Those spark memories. Thanks be to Kim for her kind words. So help me, if you can. Do you have some memories of Kevin that you would like to share? Just to help me remember.
P.S. (Is that allowed on a blog?) Let this be a reminder to you all--write in your journal! You never know how important it will be later. It is my goal to write in a personal journal and record all of my memories of Kevin. So I don't forget!
4 weeks ago
22 comments:
The other day spenser was here and we were playing 5 crowns. I know Kevin had "gotten over" that game but I couldn't help remember sitting at grandma washburn's table while kevin taught me how to play. Then I was remembering sitting upstairs at that lodge place in bear lake (the big one with all the hotel rooms) and Kevin, you and I were playing sequence. I can't say I necessarily remember specific things we said, but I do distinctly remember laughing, a lot. I always seemed to be laughing around Kevin. I love you Tera.
I was just in our back yard today and I had a very clear memory of last summer when you guys were here and helped us pull all those weeds. I remember Kevin being so determined to pull up those stubborn "weed trees". I was thinking about it a lot because that's the last time I remember him when he was so healthy and vibrant.
I know what you mean about journals. I often hate that I haven't recorded more about my kids lives. My kids are still here, but their childhoods are vanishing. Why can't I remember Audri's first word, or how old Eliza was when she got her forst tooth, or so many other things about them. I'm their mom, shouldn't I remember these things. I guess the truth is that we're human, and we'll never remember all the little details. I'd be glad to share more memories of Kevin. I love you Tera.
Tera you make me cry! I was just asking Mary if she had seen you, today. I am so sorry for your hard times! I wish I could help you feel better and do something to lessen your pain. My favorite memory of Kevin was at the Ward auction, he was all about bidding wars. (If I remember right he was really going for the drawing?) I also have one that I think I have shared with you before. It was just a couple weeks before he passed away. He came home teaching. My kids loved it and he was happy to be here and participating in teaching. That was a big testimony builder and strengthener (is that a word?) to me because just by watching him you could tell he didn't feel the greatest but he was there. That just reaffirmed in my mind what a great guy he was and that he really does want to serve the Lord, even up until the end. That day I was very impressed because there were a million reasons why he shouldn't have come and they all would have been justified but he made sacrifices to be there with us and to fulfill his calling. What a great man he is! I miss you and hope you are doing okay! Call me or stop by if you are ever around I would love to see you! You are in my thoughts and prayers.
Hey Tera, one of my memories were when you guys had sat by us in sacrameeting I thought for sure you guys would be so anouyed by my noisey kids but every time I looked over Kevin had a hug smile on his face Sydney just kept on waving at him and he kept on waving back.
I hope all is well please let me know if we can do anything for you.
I have lots of little memories of Kevin here and there. For instance, I remember one of the first times I met him was before Kelly and I were even dating (I think). I was teaching in elder's quorum at the student branch at Purdue and remember being so impressed by the thoughtful and thought-provoking answers he gave and his contribution to the discussion.
I remember his love for little animals (gerbils, frogs). I remember releasing his frog (was it more than one) at Murdock where I taught. I remember your visit to Indiana when he was meeting with doctors in Indianapolis. I remember hiking, just for a little bit, up by Silver Lake. I remember Kevin being a good tour guide last summer at Yellowstone. The list goes on...
Here are some of my memories of sweet Kevin. The last phone conversation that we had (it was the week before we all headed to Peoria), Kevin said he was laying in bed because he was tired and I was sitting in our big chair in our living room. We talked forever it seemed about creating a family business. We would all have our shops: Rick & Charity's restaurant, Kevin's cereal bar and book store, my bakery, Mom's quilt/craft store. And then we started talking about how we would have a HUGE family room "in back" where all our shops connected so we could hang out together as a family. We also started to assign other family members duties in our family business. Ed the baker, Brian the webmaster, Kyle the finance manager, etc. Needless to say, it was a great Kevin conversation where we laughed and talked about the ones we love. Another memory I have is a bike ride we took, when you and Kevin came to IN to meet with doctors in Indy. We had the tandem bike that you and Kevin rode and I pulled the boys in the bike trailer and off we went. It was a fun but exhausting ride. I remember going up a hill that was really hard to pull the bike trailer, s
o we all switched bikes so Kevin could "pull" me on the tandem bike. I also remember that same trip going to the ice cream shop and piling in to our car to get there. What a fun trip. I'm glad we have fun memories of Kevin.
Thanks Tera for the reminder to write them down so we don't forget our Kevin.
I have a memory for you that you don't even have to worry that you had forgotten it, because I don't think I ever told you about this. You and Kevin came to our apartment once time to play games and Kevin found my address book that had a list of all my friends birthdays, and next to your name he wrote, "Beautiful." I also remember him talking to you though the kitchen window, because it was after the "guys out" curfew while you were making those yummy butterscotch rice krispie treats. And I remember the trip we took to Star Valley WY for Kara's farewell, and that he drove the whole way, and that we all went on a hike together up to some waterfall. It was so pretty. I have a picture of it. I'll have to send it to you somehow. You aren't in the picture, but Kevin is. And Tyler remembers him and Kevin Lambert dressing up as Dumb and Dumber for Halloween. That would have been before you guys even started dating.
And thanks for the reminder to record our memories. We all could do better at that. I love you Tera!
Thanks for all your memories! It certainly helps with the panic. I have lots of family here, so I still have not recorded anything significant yet. I appreciate all your love!
Wow, Tera, what strength you have! How grateful I am to read your blogs. They make me cry every time and I feel grateful that we are friends. We might not keep in contact the best, but please know I love you very much. I know you will make it through this and how blessed we all are to have your inspiration and thoughts. They make us all better. I love you!
I remember playing solitaire with you, Kevin and Jamie in the evenings. I still find it funny that the four of us would play our own individual games of solitaire in the same room with each other. Another fun memory is dressing up like Pride & Prejudice with Trisha, Marge, Kevin and Kevin. That is still my favorite Halloween.
I, like everyone else, have many sweet memories of Kevin. Many of them involve lots of laughter! I loved one Christmas Eve pajama present opening when Kevin suggested we open the presents not with our hands, but with other body parts such as teeth, feet/toes, elbows, etc. So we rolled the dice to see which way we had to open our present. I remember laughing alot with everyone.
Another memory that I just thought of was talking with Kevin on the phone discussing good books. We would talk about what we had just read, or what we were currently reading, or what we wanted to read next. I could always rely on Kevin for good reviews and suggested reading. We would discuss anything from Jane Austen and Dickens to young adult books like Princess Academy.
The other day I had my own kind of panic attack. I had a sudden feeling of really wanting to call and talk to Kevin. Of course I realized I couldn't and had a very hard time dealing with the strong emotions that followed.
Oh, how I miss him! I am glad that we have you in our family, Tera. Together we will all keep the many memories alive. I love you! And miss you, too!
Another of my favorites, largely because it's one of those images burned in my memory, comes from when we went to Kansas City for Ethan's baby blessing. We drove from Peoria (I think we were already here), you drove from Utah. The first time we saw you all from UT was at a park. We pulled up and Kevin ran towards us, yelling "DALLIN", and I think he might have even tackled Dallin right then and there. I remember it too because it was very tender as a mom to see someone show such love, and be SO thrilled to see my son. I knew how much Dallin adored Kevin, and I could tell the feeling was mutual.
I remember looking through your engagement pictures on the computer with you two. Kevin found one he liked, but noticed you could only see one of his legs. "People will think the cancer got it(the leg)." And then he laughed. He was also telling me that night about..pet frogs?
I remembered more memories of kevin and although I already commented I saw charity commented more than once so why not?
I saw him at some sort of get together at your mom's house (i think before you guys were married) and I told him that he looked good. He replied totally straight faced, "It's the eyebrows." I started laughing and then we proceeded to talk about the importance of eyebrows to one's "look."
Another one was recently at the reunion. On the way to monticello from blanding we had a very imformative converstation about scooters (cereal) the problem being that he couldn't find them at any stores. Then a couple weeks later he emailed me about the corespondence he had had with the makers of Scooters. I honestly to this day think of Kevin every time I go down (or even walk past) the ceral aisle in any grocery store. And I always look for those scooters!
Okay I thought of another one...probably this is boring to any one else, but it is just for you Tera so....I remember when we planned a "potty party" (I don't think that's what we called it but I think that is a more family-friendly name). Kevin just laughed about having a party decorated with toilet paper, where we served brownies and mt. dew, and gave out tootsie rolls as party favors. :)
Hi Tera, you don't know me. I'm in your ward though. My husband's father died 10 years ago and my mother-in-law went through the same thing where she worried about forgetting memories or things about him. She had all her kids write down stories or memories they have about their dad every Christmas and on her birthday. We all share them and give each other copies. So now we all have a binder of stories that family members have typed up about Bryce's dad and we add to it every year. Some are long stories and some are small memories like what he smelled like or what they remember him always saying, or what their favorite thing about him was. Sometimes we laugh when we read them and sometimes we cry, but now we will always have that memory of him. Maybe your family can write down their memories of Kevin for you.
Amy Messersmith
I have been using my blog for journal writing. What a reminder how important it is thanks. If you haven't heard of the website blurb.com you should check it out you can print your blog right into a book.
One of the memories I have of Kevin is while he and Jeff were still roomates. Every time I came over to visit, Kevin always had a huge bowl full of Marshmallow Matties!! It seemed to me that he would choose cereal over any other kind of food!! I know I have shared this with you before but it is something I will never forget about him.
The other memory I will always carry with me is the night you had our family over for dinner. You both showed so much patience with our kids, as they teased Milly and made a mess of your front room. Jeff and I really enjoyed just sitting and visiting with you and Kevin. Kevin always had such a wonderful sense of humor, he even found ways to laugh about the many discomforts he was experiencing!! But the one thing that will always stick out in my mind is how kind and sweet you were to eachother. There was so much love in your home, and I am so grateful that we got to feel that.
Tera,
I will always remember the HUGE (and I mean huge) grin Kevin gave me in the halls at church when I saw him and asked how Lake Powell was! I have never seen him smile so big. He had a great time he said and he said it was a much needed break away! Also, remember his grin when I teased him about the mail/package he was waiting for after your vacation and he grinned so big then too!
Hang in there! Praying for you daily!!!!
Hi Tara,,, I get this way with thinkin about my brother kelly sometimes.. its hard even after 6 years. i dont know if it ever goes away... hope you and your family are doing alright. tell them all hello for me ok??
I don't think I'll ever forget this story, because it was such a powerful testimony from Kevin and it had a profound effect on me.
During Elder's Quorum Meeting during our Freshman year at BYU, Kevin took an opportunity to share a scripture and testimony. The scripture he shared is one that I have thought about almost every day since Kevin passed away.
The scripture is Alma 36:22. Alma is sharing the story of his conversion to his son Helaman. Having been "racked with torment" for three days and three nights, Alma thought of the Savior and immediately began to be filled with exquisite joy. Then verse 22:
"Yea, methought I saw, even as our father Lehi saw, God sitting upon his throne, surrounded with numberless concourses of angels, in the attitude of singing and praising God; yea, and my soul did long to be there."
Kevin repeated the last line -- "yea, and my soul did long to be there." As he read that line and bore his testimony of our Savior, I knew that Kevin had a very special testimony. He lived up to that testimony every day that I knew him. He was a terrific example for me and our friendship is one I will always cherish.
Tera, I'm sad that I didn't know Kevin better--we were gone the wrong seven years. One memory I have was at a baby/bridal shower at your mom's house and he was so open and friendly to me. He was always like that even though he didn't know us well, he acted like we were like anyone else in the family and was interested to get to know us.
I read this entry on your blog and could only think of smaller memories I had.
I do remember being at Provo Canyon Park at a family gathering where you first told me you were dating Kevin. It was summer and in the evening. If I remember correctly you were a bit embarrassed about having to talk about your dating life (probably becuase EVERYONE was asking you), but I remember the way you smiled when you talked about Kevin.
I remember seeing you and Kevin sit next to each other frequently on a loveseat in your apartment in Roman Gardens the semester I lived there with Kim (fall 2002); you were often eating and/or making seven layer bars. I can also remember Kevin dancing at a ward party in the Roman Gardens courtyard to music from the other Kevin, aka "DJ Freak with the White Streak." I remember seeing at your wedding dinner at Lion House a slideshow that Kevin had made all by himself, using Microsoft Moviemaker on his laptop; he used a lot of country music, and I remember someone saying he spent hours and hours making the slideshow to perfect the slideshow - I took it as a sign of how much he loved you, to take such care in his part of your wedding day. I remember that you both looked beautiful and happy, and that the warm, gooey Lion House rolls with honey butter I ate that day were about the best thing I've ever eaten (I'm a Washburn, so food-connected memories are what work for me). Let's just say the quality of the rolls corresponded perfectly with the quality of the people married that day.
I remember visiting Kevin at the University of Utah hospital a few years ago, and I took a book for you two to read together, The Alchemist. Didn't you and Kevin enjoy reading together? Maybe you have books that can spark memories, but I remember asking what I could bring you both and I was told a book. When I visited that day, Kevin was the most cheerful person in the room, even when he was in pain, and I think what I remember most about Kevin was that he always came across as such a happy, gracious, thoughtful, and joyful person.
I can remember how excited Kevin was about Milly. I can remember you mom hosting a wedding/baby shower for me and Amy, and I was sitting on porch swing next to Brooke's little Henry, who yelled at Milly when he left his barbequed chicken unprotected on his lap and Milly found it. Maybe Milly was misbehaving, but it was really funny, and I think Kevin came to take her away from the squealing Henry and laughed a little himself.
Those are some memories, sorry if I take up a lot of space. I just think overall you couldn't find a nicer guy than your husband, and I don't think he could have found a nicer girl than yourself.
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