My Breaking Heart

As you can probably tell from the title of this post, we are not pregnant. I am not surprised. After this week, I don't know how my body could have hung onto a pregnancy.

A little less than a year ago, Kevin and I felt strongly that we should start our family. We had the resources to do IVF, so in July of last year we got started. In October we went through our first IVF cycle. I miscarried in December. We wanted to try again very quickly, but school was crazy and Kevin didn't seem to be recovering from surgery very quickly. Even though that was the case, I still felt that we should move forward with trying again. In June, we tried, but it doesn't seem that a family is a blessing Heavenly Father wants to give us right now. We found out yesterday.

Part of the reason for my breaking heart.

On Monday of this past week, we found out that Kevin's tumor markers were on the rise again. Chemo was no longer working. The doctor said (and Kevin agreed) that chemo was doing more harm than good to his body, and there aren't any other options--at least no "clinical" options from a curative, oncology perspective. We are set up with hospice so they can help Kevin be as comfortable as possible, and we are still hanging onto the hope that there is still a miracle in store for us. We also know there may not be, we haven't given up hope. Kevin has expressed his peace of mind with either option, though of course there is much more we hope to experience together in mortality.

More reason for my breaking heart.

As the bishop said during his visit yesterday, "not the best bookends to your week." We know that many of you don't know how to respond in a situation like this. We don't want pity or a "fix all." Don't feel like you have to reassure us that all will turn out okay. Just an "I'm sorry" and more prayers will be sufficient. The support we have received from all of you has made all the difference in the world. We appreciate the calls, visits, and emails to see how we are doing and to just talk about what ever; it is these simple actions that show your love and concern best.

Thanks so much for all the love, support, fasting, and prayers in our behalf. Even though this isn't how we expected our lives to turn out, Kevin knows (and is helping me to know) that Heavenly Father is aware of us and always has our eternal good in mind; His promises will all be fulfilled in His time and in His way. This we know.